100 Below: A vision of a Tarantino/Kurasawa scene

The ronin grimaced and planted his sword in the ground. The Lord’s party was certain he was exhausted. The ronin had sent 10 peasant spearmen and two samurai to the void. The lieutenant of the Lord’s guard approached.

The ronin raised his open palm, then he pulled his penis from his pants and proceeded to pee.

“Look at my powerful stream!” he yelled. “It goes further than any of yours, you fucks!”

The Lord’s party was shocked.

When he was finished the ronin got his sword and waived in the lieutenant of the guard.

100 Below: Road Warrior Edition

The Buick in front of John Harding was going 15 mph under the limit in the left lane.

John saw a break and passed on the right. As he pulled back into the left lane he noticed the hole in the grill of the Buick. Old lady driving probably ran into a trailer hitch.

In the Buick, Babette Rodger’s blood boiled. She didn’t have the decomposing head of the last driver to piss her off stuck behind the grill for nothing. She yelled out, “It’s on muthafuckah!” and put in her mouthpiece.

Oh yes. It was on.

100 Below - The Flash Drive

She was about to pull off an intelligence coup that would rival any in history.

Her life had been preparing for this. Chinese immigrant parents taught her their rural accent. She worked harder than her obvious intelligence required in school. Good luck gave her physical beauty.

She’d spent years insinuating herself, eventually, into the bed of a top intelligence official. Now she had a list of active agents on a $4 flash drive wrapped in cellophane pushed further inside her than any man had ever been.

She’d omit the last part when she turned in the drive.

100 Below: The well read redneck

This was why Roger Tomlinson signed up for when he took the temporary Census job. He needed a summer away from Brown and his parents. He was meeting people outside his milieu.

He regarded the shack. The front porch was festooned with cast-off chairs and a weight set. It smelled of urine and stale beer.

A rangy man emerged from the shack.

“Hello Sir. I’m with the Census. Your name is Mister…”

Snopes.”

“Really?!?!”

“Naw. Just shittin’ you college boy. Lemme ask, you read any James Dickey?”

“No sir.”

“Good. That’ll make our visit more interestin’.”

100 Below: Animal passions

It seemed like she’d been talking forever. While she droned on he contemplated her form. She had wide hips and a large bottom. Her waist was narrow and accentuated her large breasts. There was something about the shape of her eyes and their position on her face that struck him. Something animalistic. Something arousing.

She mistook his gaze for interest in what she was saying.

Then the epiphany.

He blurted out, “Your face looks like a lion’s.” It was true; her face did have a leonine aspect. “I want you so badly. Let’s go.”

Now she stared at him.

100 below: 80’s movie remake hell

“So I have this 80s movie remake idea. Take “The Final Countdown” a step further. The USS Ronald Reagan is transported back to December 5, 1941. They are able to stop the attack on Pearl Harbor. Then they single-handedly sink the Japanese fleet. Then they go and nuke Tokyo. Then they sail around to the Atlantic and nuke Berlin to end WWII. It is sort of an Inglourious Basterds alternate history ending.”

The executive asked, “Could we add a CGI Ronald Reagan to the movie?”

“Of course!”

“Friggin’ brilliant. Green light!!!!”

100 Below: What you didn’t hear at the SOTU

The President basked in the shower of applauds from the Joint Session of Congress. He beamed at the assembled government of the nation. The television cameras panned the room showing Senators, Congressmen, Judges, Ambassadors and Cabinet Secretaries.

The President wanted to tell his secret. He wanted to let the world know what he knew. But it wasn’t time.

Before heading to the Capitol he secretly contacted his handler, Zegulus of the planet Xpflaxus-Primus. Zegulus told him that the invasion fleet was still organizing behind Mars and it was not time.

Next year. Surely next year.

100 Below - The true Rodrigo.

Rodrigo had always thought that if he had someone else’s body and good looks coupled with his personality; he’d be a hit with the ladies. Everyone told him that he was a great guy and had lots to offer someone. It had to be his blandly normal body and face that kept him from getting chicks.

Then he found the lamp.

He made the wish of a lifetime.

Now he looked uncannily like Brad Pitt.

He was Rodrigo’s personality in a Brad Pitt body.

Unfortunately, it turned out that Rodrigo’s personality was the problem all along.

100 Below: THE high stakes game

The senior member chose the seating arrangement for the tri-annual game. She liked putting the dealer under the grand portrait of Harlan Saunders. The contrast of whites amused her.

“Two please Josef,” she said as she discarded.

“Benedict or Benny please,” the dealer replied politely.

“Right.”

A wide-faced spectacled man entered the room and sat at the table. “Sorry for being late everyone. Liz, thanks for having us.”

“You’re welcome Warren. Buy-in is 2 billion cash or a controlling stake small nation or major bank.” The Queen smiled at him.

The Pentaverate poker game was on.

100 Below: Wee Villain Edition

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was sitting down at the computer typing out a 100 Below story. While your Maximum Leader was typing his son, the Wee Villain (aged 4) sauntered in and asked what your Maximum Leader was doing. After explaining a 100 Below story to him, the Wee Villain asked if he could tell one and get it posted on the interwebs.

Your Maximum Leader agreed. Here is the 100 Below story from the Wee Villain:

Once upon a time there was a boy. He got up. He went to school. He came home from school. He played Star Wars Legos. He pooped. He had ham for dinner. He went to bed. The end.

In retrospect, his story is just as good as the one your Maximum Leader thought of writing…

Carry on.

100 Below: Pal the dog.

He stared past his television. He stared off into the abyss that was his life. He ran his hand through his greasy hair and across his four-day old stubble.

“What the hell and I doing with myself?” He spoke to no one in particular. He was alone except for his dog, a golden retriever named Pal.

“I am such a loser. I can’t believe I’ve just wasted a prime party weekend sitting on my ass.”

Pal raised his head from the floor and spoke clearly, “You know, a man alone always talks too much.”

100 Below: New Looks

He looked into the mirror. Surgery reduced the scar on his face to a slim line. His tan hid it further. His hair transplant was coming in well and responding to Rogaine treatments.

He checked the cut of his new grey suit. It was bespoke by an Italian tailor. It flattered him. His daily workouts were beginning to pay off as well. He smiled into the mirror. He’d have his teeth whitened soon.

Earnst Stravo Blofeld impressed himself with his new look. Now it was time to go back to the global financial crisis he’d created.

The Defeat of Superman

Lex Luthor triumphed. Superman’s lifeless body hung limp from the unusual rope around his neck.

“How did you do it?” a bystander asked.

“Simple actually. I discovered that Clark Kent was really Superman. Then I bribed Kent’s cleaning lady to give me all the vacuum cleaner bags out of Kent’s apartment. I paid extra for paper towels she used to clean the shower. I collected the loose hair that I found in the trash and fashioned them into a rope. The rest is… Tragedy…” Luthor’s voice trailed off before he started laughing.

100 Below: Vader’s visit

Commander Terek of the Imperial Star Destroyer “Attacker” was selected to approach the Captain about the memorandum sent in advance of Lord Vader’s arrival.

“Sir, is this a serious request?”

“Yes.”

“It is to be “masculine and robust” like his own. Have you ever seen his?”

“Of course not. It’s covered.”

“But how?”

“How the hell should I know? Use that stuff keep for shore leave. It promotes growth.”

A week later, the Captain and the Commander met Lord Vader on his arrival.

Vader said, “Your moustache is impressive Commander.”

“Thank you my Lord.”

The steroid worked, in two ways.

100 below: Bad Luck

Cletus Lake walked into the liquor store. He went to the single shelf where they kept the fancy wine from California. He was buying a bottle to celebrate.

After a lifetime of digging coal, Cletus’ wildest dreams were on the verge of realization. His life was suddenly changed.

As he approached the register a man with a shotgun burst in. He asked for money. The shopkeeper went for his gun.

Instantly Cletus was lying on the floor dying.

The paramedics did their best. They failed to notice the winning lottery ticket in Cletus’ pocket – soaking up blood.

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    • maxldr

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