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One word for you… Apokatana

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader mused the other night, on Twitter (@maximumleader if you care to follow him) that he felt like he should own himself a sword.

Now, it is likely that this sudden urge to own a sword stems from two elements in your Maximum Leader’s person. The first is that for the past month or so he’s been reading George R.R. Martin’s “Song of Ice and Fire.” (NB: He is now starting book four, “A Feast for Crows.”) There are lots of swords in those books…

The second is that swords are cool. Your Maximum Leader has always loved swords. (NB: He also thinks that a sword is a handy back-up weapon to have during a zombie apocalypse.) He, at one time long past, had a cheesy replica cavalry sabre. He doesn’t know what came of it (but it is likely that it wound up being sold or given away to someone). But he has, from time to time, wanted a sword.

He doesn’t want any sword mind you, he wants a sword with character.

For a long time your Maximum Leader has been torn two ways when it comes to swords. The first way is towards Japan. Like so many others, Quentin Tarantino for example, he believes that the Japanese samurai sword is about a great as you can get in a sword. Your Maximum Leader isn’t talking about a katana that is stamped out of pot metal, chromed, and sold in a Spencer’s Gifts in a mall somewhere. He is talking about a legitimate sword, crafted by hand by folding heated metal upon itself over and over again, then hand polished. Of course a sword like that is a work of art and, sadly, way out of your Maximum Leader’s current budget.

But there is another problem with an authentic katana. (Which is the only type he’d want.) It is Japanese. Your Maximum Leader is not Japanese. He feels a little weird about investing himself in a Japanese sword…

Your Maximum Leader is of good Scottish stock. So the likely sword for him would be the claymore. Now when your Maximum Leader says “claymore” he’s thinking about a full-out medieval two-handed great sword. That is a sword that befits a Maximum Leader. The very idea of a claymore stirs the Scottish blood in your Maximum Leader.

Then again, your Maximum Leader is American. And like America, we have got to make badass stuff that is our own.

That is where your Maximum Leader’s interweb acquaintance the Amazing Ben comes in. You may know the Amazing Ben from his kick-ass blog (Badass of the Week) or either of his two fabulous books (here and here). Ben also tweets at @badassoftheweek

If you know anything at all about the Amazing Ben Thompson, you know that he knows badass forwards and back. Ben, upon reading that your Maximum Leader was thinking of swords, and was thinking about how a sword would come in handy during the zombie apocalypse, suggested that your Maximum Leader check out a website that might satisfy his yen for a sword as well as be handy to have in the zombie apocalypse.

Your Maximum Leader now suggests you go on over and check out Zombie Tools.

Your Maximum Leader is not prone to cursing on his blog… But oh fuck yeah. This is what he’s talking about. Check out the blades they sell. (Here if you need a linky to clicky).

Your Maximum Leader is completely captivated by the Apokatana. (He is also pretty psyched by the d’Capitan, but the Apokatana seems to speak to him.) See the Apokatana in action (NB: they drop the f-bomb a few times - so be careful who is listening):

Need more?

How about the guys testing out their wares on Earl the zombie cow:

Well… Now your Maximum Leader is going to have to squirrel away money to save up and get an Apokatana for himself… There just ain’t no two ways about it. He’s going to have to have one…

Unless the guys at Zombie Tools decide to make a claymore style great-sword…

Carry on.

Taglines

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that you’ll care about this, but he gets a kick out of mentioning it.

Your Maximum Leader added five new random tag lines to the old database of random tag lines. (They are right over there! Just to the right of these words… At the very top of the right side nav bar… Yep… Over there…)

One of the added taglines was the phrase “Crazy sexy super time fun!” He saw that line on a t-shirt yesterday. As the person wearing the t-shirt was a college student your Maximum Leader wasn’t sure if it was some sort of meta-joke that he wasn’t in on. Alternately, it reminded him of t-shirts he’s seen produced in Asian countries. The shirts string together English words in all sorts of ungrammatical ways. Anyway… Your Maximum Leader thought that “Crazy sexy super time fun!” might become one of his unoffical mottos.

Another of your Maximum Leader’s unoffical mottos is: “fortuna amissa impotens mentula magna.” (Thanks Arethusa! You’re the greatest for helping render that!)

Your Maximum Leader needs to put both those mottos on t-shirts…

He also needs a young hottie to be his t-shirt babe… (NB to young hotties who might be reading this blog: if you are interested in becoming your Maximum Leader’s t-shirt babe send him an email. The job doesn’t pay much, but does get you a free t-shirt or two… And a thong… So you’ve got that going for you…)

Carry on.

We wants it.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was noticing that the luggage he owns is getting a little old and worn. If any of you would care to get him a new piece of luggage he would really like a Waterbag (Chestnut or Coffee color) from the Saddleback Leather Company.

If you don’t feel like shelling out $650 on a bag for your Maximum Leader he also needs a new wallet. This one would be awfully nice.

Please note that everything the Saddleback Leather Company sells comes with a 100 Year Warranty. That is standing behind your product… Your Maximum Leader likes it.

Carry on.

Monday Stuff

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will probably be doing very little posting between now and after Labor Day. Lots of back-to-school stuff going on which requires his attention. (So Mrs Villain tells him.) Of course, every time your Maximum Leader warns you all that posting will be light, he winds up posting a lot. Then when he posts nothing… Well… He posts nothing…

What to write about now?

Your Maximum Leader had some people over to the house for dinner yesterday night. He anticipated preparing some fancy appetizers. He’d thought of serrano ham and marchengo cheese and proscuitto with melon as two ham-based dishes. (With a mix of olives stuffed with feta, almonds, sun-dried tomatos, and garlic. To be clear, each olive was not stuffed with all of those items. There was a variety of 4 different olives each stuffed with a different item.)

Well… What did the great Muse of Scotland once say about the best laid plans? The ham based appetizers never made it to the table.

Gosh… Your Maximum Leader is so (SO!) torn up inside thinking that he might have Serrano ham and proscuitto just laying about in the icebox. What ever will he do with that wonderful, tasty, succulent cured pork goodness just sitting around? Sadly he is too busy to invite people with whom he’d share the ham.

He’ll just have to eat it himself…

The horror… Oh the horror…

In other news…

Your Maximum Leader is sad to admit that he watches “True Blood” on HBO. He has come very close to giving up on the show on a number of occasions starting last season. This season has a bunch of storylines going on. Most of the storylines don’t do a damn thing for him. While enduring the storylines he doesn’t care for he keeps thinking that he’ll just stop watching. But then the vampire characters just draw him back in. Specifically he is speaking about Denis O’Hare’s performance as Russell Edgington. Damn that man can work magic in that role. If it weren’t for the Russell story-line your Maximum Leader would have just stopped watching earlier this season.

Moving along…

Hey! Is it too early to shill for Christmas (or back to school)? You know that you are looking for a new t-shirt in which to knock about the house or wear on a quick trip to the mall. Have you considered a Naked Villainy T-shirt? If you are particularly stunning woman have you considered a Naked Villainy Tank-top and Thong combo? Your Maximum Leader will keep shilling this particular combination until he gets photos in his mailbox one day of some sultry lass clad only in the tank and thong combo. If that day ever comes your Maximum Leader let you all know. If you want to check out the store the link is here. Your Maximum Leader is probably going to update the store soon with a new t-shirt or two. (Not like lots of people are knocking down the doors to buy the old stuff…)

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader has been re-reading books he’s got on the shelf. He realizes that he’s looking at the books on the shelf and not remembering their contents any more. So he’ll both conserve money and do a little re-education for himself. Like FLG, your Maximum Leader might revisit Hume’s “Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding.”

That is about all from the Villainschloss now…

Carry on.

Wither your Maximum Leader?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has had a shortage of quality blog time for you all. This situation isn’t going to change over the next few days. He admits that he could have blogged some last night, but he got distracted by the Akira Kurosawa film extravaganza on TMC last night. (BTW, Happy Birthday Kurosawa-san. You would have been 100 years old yesterday.) After putting his villainous offspring to bed he spied “Rashomon” on the tv. Next thing you know, the “Seven Samurai” was on. Then your Maximum Leader fell asleep. He’s such a wuss that way.

What to blog? What to blog?

Well… First of he should congratulate the President, but most of all Speaker Pelosi for getting the damned health care bill passed. It was tremendous work on their parts. Your Maximum Leader gives most of the credit to the Speaker who must have used every bit of parliamentary/political/personal knowledge she knew to twist all the arms to make the deal happen. Your Maximum Leader wasn’t sure that she would pull it off. He wasn’t sure that is until she saw Steny Hoyer and the Speaker announce a vote would be held on Sunday. Once they actually gave a day for the vote and were adamant that it would happen your Maximum Leader knew they had the votes. So… Congrats to them. It was a tough slog, but they got the job done.

Is your Maximum Leader happy about the bill? Of course not. It sucks. But you have to give credit where it is due. And it is due in this case.

So what next? Well… One hopes that the Republicans can run an effective campaign this year and take the House or Senate back and work on serious modification of the bill. Your Maximum Leader thinks Fishersville Mike is right on with a slogan of “Change - the right kind this time.” Why does your Maximum Leader say serious modification and not outright repeal? Let’s be honest. Even after a few months there is inertia that sets in on any legislation. There isn’t going to be an outright repeal. Major modifications is the best course. It is the way the system works. Why did you think they were pushing so hard to pass something? Once it gets on the books it is there… Some portions of the law just enacted will remain no matter how hard one tries to remove them.

Ah well… One hopes that Republicans (for lack of a better alternative) can get their acts together and run a tight campaign and put themselves into a position where they actually have some institutional power in Congress…

Did you Wagnerians out there see that Wolfgang Wagner died this week? The grandson of Richard Wagner and longtime Bayreuth Festival director passed away at age 90. His daughter (and teutonic hottie) Katharina Wagner is currently the festival director.

Your Maximum Leader may, or may not, post again this week. He is off to Key West, Florida for a few days of sun, fun, and marriage. A good friend of his is getting married in Key West on Friday night. It should be fun. It has been a long time since your Maximum Leader was last in Key West. If you have any suggestions of things for him to see or do, leave a comment. (No need to comment that he should leer at drunken spring-break co-eds. Please accept that as read…)

This good friend getting married is the owner of Key West Key Lime pies. If you want to get yourself get best key lime pie EVAH (EVAH!!!) feel free to clicky on the linky and buy…

Later gators… Perhaps your Maximum Leader will get some sun…

Carry on.

Sexy Pilgrim

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader found the following video very funny… Even if it is a long ad for some enhanced milk type product…

You’re welcome.

Carry on.

Acer

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader spent money he hadn’t planned on spending this weekend. He doesn’t feel too good about it, but it is best that he ponied up the cash.

So, Mrs Villain has a laptop computer. It is a 5 year old Dell Inspiron. It was a fine computer for about 3 years. Then it started to act funny. About a year ago it got its hard drive wiped and s/w reinstalled. It got a little better. But for about a year it has been slow and unresponsive. (We’re talking about needing 15 mins to boot up on turn-on. MS-Office programs taking 3-5 minutes to initialize.) Admittedly, the laptop has been bashed, dropped and otherwise abused by both Mrs Villain and our children. In many ways it is a miracle that the laptop works at all.

Well… Mrs Villain needed to do lesson plans and such yesterday. Her habit is to park herself in front of the tv and watch football while doing the work on her laptop. Well… After taking 20 mins to boot up, the laptop was well into another 10 minutes to get MS Word going. The whole while Mrs Villain was complaining and carrying on. Finally, your Maximum Leader couldn’t take any more. He’s been suggesting to Mrs Villain that we get her an inexpensive Netbook or a real cheap laptop (since her computing needs are limited to word processing, internet checking and email) for months. Indeed he nearly bought an HP netbook on Woot.com a month or so ago. (At the time Mrs Villain said she could manage for a little while longer.)

Well. Your Maximum Leader packed the family into the truck and off we went in search of a netbook/laptop for Mrs. Villain. Yes, we were impulsive and didn’t research this endeavor like we would have liked. But if you only need a computer for word processing, internet checking and reading email do you really need to do a pile of research? Basically we were shopping for price.

Eventually Mrs Villain ended up with this Acer from Best Buy. She is very happy.

Of course, your Maximum Leader now wants a laptop for himself… Alas, his desires aren’t as economical. He spent the afternoon configuring various Alienware or MacBook Pro boxes. He shouldn’t tease himself like that…

Carry on.

Things we wants

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is not a particularly covetous person. Indeed, he doesn’t need too much in a materialistic sort of way to be happy. But once and a while something strikes his fancy and he fixates on it…

Take for example the Chestnut briefcase (large) from the Saddleback Leather Company (which your Maximum Leader found via The Art of Manliness website).

Now let your Maximum Leader be honest now. He’s used a briefcase about 4 times in the past year. So he rarely needs one. But he feels that if he needed one the Saddleback Leather Company chestnut briefcase (large size) would be the one he would want to have. He could likely also use it as a small overnight bag in a pinch…

The other thing your Maximum Leader is fixated on right now (and has been for about 10 years now…) A 1970s era Land Rover Series II with a diesel engine, manual transmission, right hand drive and snorkel.

Carry on.

Good news from the bloggy world

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader hasn’t been as good a blogger as he has been. This of course begs the question of exactly what your Maximum Leader feels a “good blogger” is. In the case of your Maximum Leader he believes (for himself) being a good blogger is posting at least one or two little nuggets of moderate quality a day. If the nuggets are really high quality then one every other day is acceptable.

As any reader here can tell… Your Maximum Leader hasn’t been a good blogger in over a year.

Of course, not every blogger needs to fit into this definition to be classified a “good blogger” by your Maximum Leader.

Take for example the great Velociman. He has never posted daily. But his posts are high quality. Very high quality. The Velociman is great. So great that even the interwebs can’t contain him. The V-man has a book now. One that you can buy and have shipped to your very own residence. Not only that, but after you receive your copy of “A Trip of Goats” you can carry it around everywhere. Even the bathroom… Books are cool that way.

There are lots of good bloggers over there on the left side of this blog. One of them had your Maximum Leader worried for a little while. Rooked transfixed your Maximum Leader when he first read it. It was filled with mind-bending prose and imaginative stories that excited and delighted your Maximum Leader. Then Mr Perry, the extraordinary blogger behind Rooked, had some personal issues he needed to work through. The blog changed. It was no longer an imaginative outlet for gripping tales. Instead it was a father’s discourse about love, responsibility and regrets. Normally your Maximum Leader stays away from blogs that seem to become to “intimate” in his opinion. But your Maximum Leader didn’t get that uncomfortable feeling from reading a blog-cum-diary. Indeed, Rooked was very compelling reading. Then for a while Rooked was dark. Your Maximum Leader worried that he’d heard the last of Mr CS Perry… But, happily your Maximum Leader can say that Rooked is back. Your Maximum Leader is excited for the future and what is coming up on Rooked.

(NB to CS Perry… If any of the “Rookies” would be interested in becoming the official “Naked Villainy T-shirt & Thong babe” have them contact me… Oh and one more thing… I’ve never heard of any good coming from a Russian “mail order bride” type. And I actually know one guy who went down that path…)

So… Go and buy the V-man’s book and make sure to check in regularly on Rooked. Neither will disappoint.

Carry on.

Happy Father’s Day

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wishes any and all of you fathers out there a very happy day (in advance since this is Friday and Father’s Day isn’t until Sunday). Of course, this day, like Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and others are just made up holidays used to suck dry our wallets and spirits.

In case any of you are wondering, your Maximum Leader tried to get out of doing anything this weekend (as it is the double-header of Father’s Day and your Maximum Leader’s birthday). He fears that it is not to be. He’ll have to do some grilling over the weekend. (Which isn’t really work… But it is still a required task…) He’ll also likely have to help clean up around the Villainschloss. He may also have to do his own laundry (which is also not unusual as your Maximum Leader is very persnickety about his laundry and has always done his own…). So all in all it is looking to be like most every other weekend out there.

And that is good…

If you feel the pressing need to do something to celebrate your Maximum Leader’s birthday here are some options. 1) You could buy some neat Naked Villainy swag from his store. (NB: if you happen to be a hot woman and buy some swag - your Maximum Leader would appreciate a photo…) 2) You could write your Maximum Leader an email and offer to shower him with gifts… He’ll provide suggestions if you are serious. 3) You could pour yourself a nice adult beverage where ever you may be and raise your glass and toast “To my Maximum Leader! Long may he prosper!”

Carry on.

Sex, Flannel, Firearms

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the lovely Phoenix has chimed in on his recent Valentines Day post. Your Maximum Leader would like to get Phoenix and Mrs Villain together for a little while. Perhaps Phoenix’s love of firearms can somehow be transmitted to Mrs Villain. Alas, your Maximum Leader’s lovely wife is not a big firearms fan. Although we did go shooting at Nemacolin Resort not too long ago. She claims to have enjoyed it - although your Maximum Leader has his doubts.

And just in case you were wondering… Yes… Men do love flannel. It is special enough and sexy enough to be a Valentines Day gift. Frankly it is special enough and sexy enough to be a suitable gift any time. (Although your Maximum Leader would say that it is a better gift in fall and winter.) You know what is sexy ladies? Allow your Maximum Leader to tell you. The most sexy thing out there is (obviously) a woman wearing a Naked Villainy t-shirt, tank top, or even a Naked Villainy sweatshirt. If you are not going to wear the Naked Villainy swag… The NEXT most sexy thing out there for a woman to wear is her man’s flannel shirt. And just in case you aren’t clear on your Maximum Leader’s meaning here. The ONLY thing the woman should be wearing is her man’s flannel shirt. Since there might be chirren readin’ this here blog, your Maximum Leader will not go into further detail. But you can see where this is going? Can’t you?

By the way… Your Maximum Leader is fond of LL Bean’s (poorly named) Scotch Plaid flannel shirt in the Lindsay tartan. Your Maximum Leader likes Lindsay because his own clan is very close to Lindsay (but not Lindsay). He further says that the shirt is poorly named because “Scotch” is a distilled beverage and “Scottish” is the adjective that one would use to describe things from or invoking being from or like Scotland. So it should be a Scottish Plaid shirt…

Anyhoo…

Robbo also is on-board with disliking the consumerist spin to Valentines Day. But in good Robbo fashion he puts forth his assertion in true Oxford Union fashion. Speaking of the Oxford Union… Have you read about the recent presidential election held by the Oxford Union? Sexism. Racism. Voter irregularities. Good stuff… Go and read all about it.

Carry on.

Pure Evil… Purely Cuddly.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is always on the lookout for an unusual gift. Thanks to a link from his good friend the Air Marshal… Here is a gift that says so much about both he who would gift it to another, and he who would want to receive it…

Click here to see the horror too terrible to describe!

Your Maximum Leader thinks that X-Treme Geek has earned a space on the right side of this space…

Carry on.

Well that is a t-shirt

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a couple of friends around town here who know that he keeps this blog. One of them, we’ll call him “Joe,” once mentioned that your Maximum Leader ought to get him a Naked Villainy t-shirt. Well… “Joe’s” wish was his Maximum Leader’s command and “Joe” received a “Well Hung” t-shirt for Christmas.

Well… Your Maximum Leader was pleased to give one of his shirts to one of his buddies. (Even if the gift did get a not-too-friendly eye-roll from Joe’s girlfriend.) It pleased him for no other reason than it makes your Maximum Leader smile to think that someone is wearing a shirt that your Maximum Leader designed (even if the Well Educated, Well Informed, Well Fed, Well Hung motif was developed by the Air Marshal).

A few weeks ago, your Maximum Leader’s friend (”Joe”) joined his Maximum Leader for lunch. During lunch it came up that “Joe” had worn the “Well Hung” shirt a number of times during a protracted vacation on Cape Cod. It seems that many visitors and natives thought the shirt was quite amusing (and a change from the ubiquitous Black Dog shirts you see everywhere up there). Your Maximum Leader thanked “Joe” for the free advertising and mused that he might even get a sale out of the effort.

Well… Your Maximum Leader got a little message from Cafe Press recently and it seems someone out on Cape Cod just went and bought themselves a “Well Hung” T-shirt. That is pretty cool. A few hundred thousand more of your Maximum Leader’s shirts out there on the Cape and he’ll be giving that damned lab a run for his money!

So… Think of this post as what it is… A shameless plug encouraging all of you to go to the Villainous Commerce store and keep this economy moving! Consumer spending (particularly US consumer spending) keeps the whole world going (economically and not astronomically speaking). So go on! Buy yourself a Well Hung t-shirt, or perhaps the traditional “And thus I clothe my naked villainy” shirt is more your style (remember the traditional shirt comes in ladies sizes too!). Of course, you may be a little too embarassed to wear your Maximum Leader on your proverbial sleeve… So how about having him near your naughty bits! There are Thongs and Boxers too!

Buy Minion! Buy!

Carry on.

For Robbo’s Creed…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was just reading the latest from Robbo on the meltdown of the Episcopal Church. The first line of the creed Robbo posted reminded your Maximum Leader that there is an image with which Robbo needs to become familiar…

Buddy Christ…

You can get your Buddy Christ dashboard figure here. Or you can upgrade to the Buddy Christ bobblehead here.

Carry on.

Bargain House

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maixmum Leader is very aware of the “housing crisis” in America. First houses were too expensive for people to own. Now the mortgage market (at least the sub-prime portion thereof) appears to be doing poorly.

Well… If you need a nice house for cheap try Detroit. Houses are cheaper than cars in Detroit. Of course… It is Detroit…

But if you moved to Detroit you would be able to be neighbourly with Mr & Mrs P… So you’ve got that going for you.

Carry on.

    About Naked Villainy

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