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100 Below

Sheriff Rogers scratched his balding head.

This was an odd case.

“And there is n sign of the driver?”

“As I said, officer, all I found was the truck, in our pasture, with our cows in the back. Who knows where the driver went.”

Sheriff Rogers thanked the farmwife for her time. No one had reported a stolen truck. And where had the rustlers gone? He scratched his balding head. He was definitely missing something.

He put the squad car and gear and rolled down the driveway.

The pigs lolled happily in the morning sun.

How’d I Miss This?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wonders how he could have missed a recent Tyra Banks show where Miss Banks and Miss Jennifer Love Hewitt argued about who has larger breasts? He missed the show but now reads about it on I Don’t Like You In That Way.

And by reads about it he really means “looks at the photos.”

Thanks Jenny. You made your Maximum Leader’s day.

Carry on.

Need Context?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has decided to weigh in on the whole Bill-Bennett-wants-to-abort-black-babies deal.

Here goes…

Your Maximum Leader does know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.

Your Maximum Leader does know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce the future population of itinerant farm laborers, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every hispanic baby in this country, and your supply of future itinerant farm laborers would go down.

Your Maximum Leader does know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce the number of engineering graduate students, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every chinese baby in this country, and your number of engineering graduate students would go down.

Your Maximum Leader does know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce the number of decent law-abiding, tax-paying, God-fearing Americans, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every white baby in this country, and your number decent law-abiding, tax-paying, God-fearing Americans would go down.

But since we strted off talking about crime here is your Maximum Leader’s final word on crime: Your Maximum Leader does know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.

There you have it. Never were more true statements ever blogged on this site or any other. If you want further comments go below the fold… Otherwise…

Carry on.
(more…)

What Was That About Slopes Being Slippery?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader followed a link from Steve and lo and behold what does he see… Some bald Dutch guy getting married to two women. Yes. It seems that polygamous civil unions are okay in the Netherlands.

Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know what to say really. Of course polygamy has been all fine and dandy in Muslim nations (and Utah) for as long as anyone can remember. But we who were of the Western Tradition could always look askance at polygamy and say outwardly that it was wrong. (While inwardly wondering if Mrs. Villain would convert to Islam so your Maximum Leader could make an honest woman of the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt.)

As your Maximum Leader has said many times before. If the only criteria for allowing people to marry was “love” then there can be no restrictions on who can get married. (Well presumably we are only discussing Homo Sapiens here - but your Maximum Leader supposes that even that is up for debate.) Today it is the Dutch who realize this. Tomorrow it will be the Belgians. A week from now the Germans. Then Canada. Then Utah (above-board). Then Massachusetts. Then… Well you get the point.

Your Maximum Leader will just grimly set himself to the task of recording the end of civilization as we know it.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Dr. Shackleford shows us the difference between “Good” and “Bad” polygamy.

What Is This I See?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was doing his morning perusal of blogs and jumped out of his seat when he got to The Hatemonger’s Quarterly. Whoa! What is this? Has the Crack Young Staff gone all techie on us and changed their blog skin? Are they HTML luddites no more? Next thing you know they will be using blockquotes and special characters…

Is this as monumental as the New York Times putting colour photos in the Grey Lady?

Your Maximum Leader dares to say that it is…

What is next? Comments and Trackbacks? Egad. Your Maximum Leader needs a drink.

Carry on.

Men’s Club topic — “Emotional Men”

I would have thought the Ministers here at Naked Villainy would have wanted to re-start the Men’s/Diva’s topic discussions with a bang and have one of the others start us off, but alas, I have drawn the short straw and have to get the ball rolling for the team.

The first topic for discussion is rolled up in the ball of wax called “Emotional Men”. Specifically, how emotional do women want us to be? - Why don’t we share our feelings? - If we show emotion, are we really being strong men? - Do women really want the strong silent type?-

(NOTE: Its hard for me to lump married and unmarried folks together, and life is sooo much more different when you are getting “the milk for free,” that I am going to drop that and just talk about how all this hoo-ha relates to marriage. For those of you not married and are bored already, now is the time to start surfing for porn.)

Whew.

The simple answer to all of that emotional gobblety-gook is that we, as men, are screwed.

The thing is, if a women deep down really wants an open emotional partner that expresses concerns and affection freely and openly, I am willing to bet that she has probably married someone who doesn’t say a freakin’ word about anything.

This is a conditioned response that probably started with the relationship we had with our mothers. We have learned (actually, we have been taught) that the more we say the more trouble we get in. If we open up, what we might have said gets us in trouble because it probably wasn’t the “right” thing, and if we don’t say anything, we get in trouble for not doing our “share” in the relationship. We men have been in the game long enough to know that the trouble you get in for not sayin’ nothing is less than it would have been had we actually said anything.

Why?

Because a woman’s need to Bitch about something far outweighs her need for open and honest communication. In my own little psychological experimentation lab (also known as marriage), I have tested this theory numerous times. The results are always the same.

More communication and emotional expression on the man’s side = the deeper “in shit” that he will be when the “discussion” is over.

By the way, “discussion” in a marriage is a misnomer. It’s really more of a lecture. Oh sure, from time to time I will get in a “yeah, but…” or a “Honey I…” but most of the time, I don’t.

What’s worse, though, is when the woman “stops” talking and gives you the look that says “ok what do you have to say for yourself?” In her brain she “thinks” she has asked you a question. What she doesn’t realize though, is that she has actually just strung together about 23 statements, and has stopped long enough to think about more ammunition to shoot at you.

But I just sit there and keep quite because I know no mater what I say next, its going to be the wrong thing. If I make a remark that could be interpreted as an agreement, then I am screwed. But if I make a remark that in somehow refutes any of those 23 statements, I am screwed too.

And its not like there is “make up and be friends again” sex at the end of all this. That might have happened in the early days of dating, or while in that first year of marriage but she and I both know that there is NOTHING that I can do or say that is going to put any moisture in the oyster.

As a matter of fact, that is my new stance on sex and discussion in the relationship. When my wife says to me now that “we need to talk about _____ !” I immediately say, “I am too tired to talk about ______.” I don’t care if I just woke up after 19 hours of uninterrupted sleep (which never happens now anyway with 2 kids), I say “I am too tired to discuss it.”

I figure hey, if she can be too tired for sex, I can be too tired to discuss. And if you women don’t think fuckin’ is as important as discussin’, lady you got a lot to learn about men.

The only time you see a married man who is open and honest about his feelings is when its in the script.
Seeing all those emotional men on tv and at the movies must really warp women’s brains brains about how men really are… Kind of like Cosmo warps their brains about what they should look like.

That, of course, is another topic altogether.

For other Men’s Club postings today check out: Phin, Down for Repairs, Project Bowl and Jamesyboy. For the delightfully feminine side of this topic try out: Fist Full of Fortnights, Cake Eater Chronicles, Just Breathe, and Villains Vanquished.

Back to the Trenches

Banned Book Meme

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw this over on Lemuel’s site and thought he’d play along before Lemuel decided to go and delete his site.

Here is how it works. Below are listed the top 110 banned (or otherwise contraversial) titles on the list. Entries in Bold Type are ones that your Maximum Leader has read in their entirety. Entries in Italicized Type are ones that your Maximum Leader has read in part or has read significant excerpts from. Entries in plain type are those your Maximum Leader has never read in part or in whole.

Here are the top 25 books on the list. The remaining entries (26-110) are below the fold.

#1 The Bible (Read almost all of it. But there are some books he’s not touched.)
#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervates
#4 The Koran (He’s read the Penguin Classics English translation.)
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
(more…)

The Heaven That is…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has surely mentioned his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hasn’t he? Well, his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts is a fact nonetheless.

There is a new KK store (restaurant?) near the Villainschloss. When your Maximum Leader drives by the power of Christ compells him to look for the “Hot Now” sign. If the sign is on, he almost always stops. If he is by himself it is one (and only one) doughnut and some Vitamin D milk. If one of the Villainettes is in the car… Well then the stop is a full-blown event. There is parking. Going inside. The watching the doughnuts on the conveyor. Then pointing out the doughnuts on the cooling off conveyor to be put in the box for nearly immediate consumption.

Tonight, your Maximum Leader and Villainette #2 were in the Villainmobile.

The “Hot Now” sign was on.

A dozen hot glazed doughnuts were brought back to the Villainschloss.

The frenzy began.

Now there are four doughnuts in the box.

Your Maximum Leader is filled with two things. 1) Shame for eating three doughnuts himself. 2) Those three little warm edible orgasms that were hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Carry on.

Corrupt?

Finally, a small victory for the forces of good.

Believe.

Note To Self…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that “erotic” chat over the internet is now grounds for divorce in Belgium.

Note to Self 1: Never go to Belgium and engage in “eotic” chat over the internet.

Note to Self 2: Work with Sadie to make our chat is less “erotic” and more “suggestive.”

Carry on.

Chuck Williams

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the man responsible for one of his favourite stores is going to turn 90. Chuck Williams, the founder of Williams-Sonoma, still goes to the office every day and thinks of new ways to improve the culinary life of Americans. Pretty impressive. If your Maximum Leader makes it to 90 he imagines he’ll be drooling on himself and sitting in a diaper.

But he digresses…

Williams-Sonoma is a great store. If you haven’t visited recently, you should. Well… Provided you like to cook. The last purchase your Maximum Leader made at a Williams-Sonoma was a Wustof Tomato Knife. It is great. Although he should mention that the all-time greatest purchase your Maximum Leader has made at W-S is their big white bowl. He has 8 of them. They are oven-safe, microwave-safe, boiling-safe and hard as granite. He loves them. He’d link to them on the store web site, but he can’t find the specific bowl he’s talking about. (Take that back. Here they are. Chili bowls. They are also great for ice cream, soup, stew, and cereal.)

Happy Birthday Mr. Williams.

Carry on.

Cool Squid

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has, like so many others, been fascinated by giant squid. He’s always thought it interesting that such a creature had never been filmed in the sea.

Never caught on film until now. A Japanese crew used a remote vehicle with a baited lure and got film of the 26 foot long squid attacking the bait. Your Maximum Leader hopes to find some video to watch of this encounter. Up to now he’s only seen stills.

Very cool.

Carry on.

Gaza Pullout

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader notes that the forced closure of Jewish settlements in Gaza and the West Bank has been complete for nearly two weeks now. It was with a heavy heart and feelings approaching grief that he watched the footage of Israeli soldiers dragging other Israelis from their homes and synagogues. It was depressing.

A little while ago your Maximum Leader wrote that he thought that the Gaza and (limited) West Bank withdrawl was a necessary step to jump start the peace process. He also said that he felt that Israel needs to be prepared to take back that land if the peace process goes nowhere.

Your Maximum Leader feels he may have been wrong with that assessment.

In the intervening weeks since Israel’s pullout we’ve seen Hamas burn temples, homes, and riot. We’ve seen the Palestinian “Security Forces” and the Egyptian army do what they can to keep peace. It has been a carnival of violence. Indeed, just yesterday Israeli forces attacked Palestinian terrorists all through the West Bank. And all throughout Israel has been badgered to give up more.

Your Maximum Leader, sometimes an optimist, figured that a good will step would actually result in a little good will towards Israel. Not from the Palestinians mind you. They are incapable of it insofar as your Maximum Leader can tell. But he thought that it might soften up Europe and other Western Countries a little. Well… It hasn’t.

Now the next step for Israel should be the completion of the wall they are building between themselves and the Palestinian territory. Your Maximum Leader hopes it becomes the de facto border. Israel has done what it needs to do. They have taken the first step. Now they can, and should, wait until the Palestinians make the next move. Your Maximum Leader suspects that hell will freeze over and two feet of snow will cover Jerusalem before that happens. Your Maximum Leader woul be quite put out if President Bush or any subsequent administration were to start to strong-arm Israel to try and take another goodwill step.

Now the Palestinians have to step up and make tangible steps towards peace, or prepare to have the status quo continue indefinately.

Carry on.

Suggestion for MSM

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the news wire that ABC and CBS are secretly looking for new evening news anchors.

First off, how secret could the search be if stories about the search appear on the new wire?

Secondly, your Maximum Leader will suggest that ABC or CBS contact the Minister of Propaganda right away. He is a dashing figure and we’re sure he’ll look great on TV. He’s young and hip - so you might capture a younger demographic. He is single and dating - so you are guaranteed to get some tabloid press as he goes from one bacchanalian fest to another. And lastly, but by no means leastly, you will get an educated and articulate liberal to replace the liberals you had before.

If ABC or CBS did pick up the M of P as their evening news anchor your Maximum Leader just might start watching the evening news again.

Carry on.

‘Elp! ‘Elp!

Our postings have been buried under a big pile of cowshit.

Believe.

    About Naked Villainy

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