Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader would like to bring to your attention a number of things that are just wrong.

Number 1: Game Six of the World Series will be delayed by a paid advertisement from Barack Obama. (If the game is required,) It will be delayed by 15 minutes. Senator Obama is buying 30 minutes of prime time to deliver a “longform” speech to the American people. Your Maximum Leader is offended by this. He is offended when any sporting event is pre-empted by something sort of a serious national crisis. While some of your Maximum Leader’s Obama supporters readers might be tempted to say that we are in a serious national crisis… Listen… Your Maximum Leader means SERIOUS. If a speech can be scheduled in advance it is not SERIOUS. Just have Senator Obama start earlier. Damnation.

Number 2: American gluttony. Apparently some guy ate a 15 pound burger (with an additional 5 pounds of fixins’ and bun) in under 5 hours. This just seems wrong.

Number 3: Irish bookies paying out bets made for an Obama victory - now. Great jeezey chreezey! What the hell is going on in the world that bookies are paying out bets made on the outcome of an event that has not yet occured?!? This violates so many different rules it leaves your Maximum Leader just gobsmacked. Let it be known that this would never occur in the Mike World Order. Never.

Number 4: Palin lookalike strippers to strut stuff. What is wrong with this you might ask? Well… Doctrinal issues aside… This event will take place and your Maximum Leader will likely forget to look for photos on the internet to see how it went…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a question for you…

Background…

Your Maximum Leader was sitting today watching a few minutes of “The Sarah Connor Chronicles” that he has on the ole Tivo. As he was watching the beautiful and talented Summer Glau he wondered to himself…

Here is the question…

Would having sex with a Terminator “count” as actually having sex? Would it “count” as adultery if you were married? Afterall the Terminator isn’t a person. In this context one could suppose that the Terminator was nothing more than a really tricked out love-doll…

And before any of your Maximum Leader’s doctrinally informed friends make note of it… Yes, your Maximum Leader knows about Matthew 5:28. But even on that account if one is parsing - and isn’t that what we’re doing here - one could make a bit about the whole “woman” aspect of it. Jesus doesn’t say “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a robot covered in particularly sexy artificial flesh lustfully has already committed adultery with her/it in his heart.” Can you really have sex with a uber-sexy terminator? Isn’t really just masturbation?

Just asking.

Sad to what depths your Maximum Leader has dipped isn’t it? There is a war going on in Georgia. Inflationary pressures are rising. Hilary Clinton is going to have her name put into nomination at the Democratic convention (Kwame not welcome by the way - don’t bother RSVPing). Julia Child was a spy. And California burns. And all your Maximum Leader can choose to write about is some pointless non-ethical issue invovling imaginary killing machines that resemble sexy women.

Pathetic.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has noticed something recently. He isn’t sure what is happening, but he suspects that is has something to do with maturity.

He’s been noticing that he’s been thinking to himself how damned attractive Nancy Travis and Gabrielle Anwar are. He’s found himself watching “The Bill Engval Show” on TBS (Mrs Villain likes it - your Maximum Leader thinks it is okay, but Nancy Travis makes some of the tired writing okay…) and “Burn Notice” on USA. Nancy Travis - google tells your Maximum Leader - is 47 years old. Gabrielle Anwar is 37. Travis has two kids. Anwar - 3. Neither appear to be silly bimbos that you find on gossip sites all the time.

Humm… Could this be a sign of your Maximum Leader growing more mature and stodgy?

No need to answer that… Your Maximum Leader already knows the answer…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sure that you all were sitting on the edge of your proverbial seats yesterday. You were sitting there wondering to yourselves “Self, did the Page 3 girls beat up on the militant lesbian feminists at the Oxford Union last night?” Your Maximum Leader wondered that to himself. He also wondered if there was a beat-down, was jell-o or chocolate pudding involved? (Baby oil, being a petroleum product, would be waaaaaay too expensive. Even in a high-class joint like the Oxford Union.)

Well… Because you all wanted to know… The proposition against Page 3 (and its girls) was soundly defeated 230-129. You can read all about it by (Boobie warning! Clicking the link will expose your tender eyes to exposed human female mammaries) clicking here.

Jolly good show!

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader remembers seeing a t-shirt being worn by a student at the UVA Center for Politics that read (on the front): “Q: What to politics and sex have in common?” (on the back) “A: You don’t have to be good at either to have a good time.” There are many occasions when sex and politics come together in a less than savory confluence. Just ask Eliot Spitzer. But sometimes the combination of sex and politics is just meant to be.

Take for example the debate (likely going on as your Maximum Leader types these words) at the Oxford Union tonight. The Union will debate the proposition: “This house believes Page 3 is unacceptable in the 21st Century.” For your Maximum Leader’s more sheltered readers, the Page 3 in question is the famous Page 3 of British tabloid “The Sun” where every day a photo of a topless woman is featured. Care to see? Clicky here-y. (By the way… If you need a warning about that link not being safe, as your Maximum Leader had just, a few words earlier mentioned that the page in question features topless women, you are pretty thick-skulled.)

In true Page 3 style (heh… Your Maximum Leader just ascribed “style” to Page 3) some Page 3 girls are going to go to the Oxford Union to advance their own cause tonight. There is a (NSFW) piece in The Sun on this debate.

Your Maximum Leader wishes he could be in attendance. (For non-purient reasons only - of course.) Frankly, your Maximum Leader doesn’t see anything wrong with boobies. And let us be frank here, that is really what this is all about. The objectification of women’s boobs. Your Maximum Leader takes a particularly libertarian (libertine?) view on this one. If a woman wants to be paid money to show her boobs to millions of people, that is okay with your Maximum Leader. If people want to buy The Sun (or link to it - as your Maximum Leader does) to see those boobs; that is fine too. To be honest, with some of the outfits your Maximum Leader has been seeing on girls around town now (that the weather is warmer) he wonders if just going topless wouldn’t be just as fashionable.

Alas, the people who are debating in favor of the proposition are likely tightly-wound militants who will complain either about the objectification of women - or the general permissiveness of society. You can make good points either way, but all in all your Maximum Leader is for keeping the boobies on Page 3. Indeed, he’d be in favor of some American newspapers putting a topless woman on some page of their paper as well… (He’d also be in favor of beefcake on some other page for the ladies!)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will go ahead and share a bad thought he had at the game last night. Although he is happily married and shouldn’t observe these things… There were scads of hot women at the hockey game last night. He isn’t just speaking about “girls” he is talking women. Women of your Maximum Leader’s age. Sure there were lots of hot young things. But there were many sexy women at the game.

If your Maximum Leader were single (which thankfully he is not) he’d have to try and find a way to parley his love of hockey into a date…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is, again, just phoning in a post. This time it is a video that a friend sent him. He posts it not because it is a reflection of his life, but because some elements of it are just so true.

Okay, the video is too wide for my center column. So clicky here for the video.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is hurting for content. Or more accurately, is hurting for time to write good content. So, as a cop out, he will just post this sorta funny joke that a friend sent in an email. It is likely that you’ve heard it before, but here goes:

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf”

Okay, it made your Maximum Leader chuckle.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Valentines Day is coming up. While this day no longer has any significant religious connections in the mind of most people out there. St Valentine and St Patrick are the only two saints that have had their feast day transcend the spiritual and decend to the profane.

This is not to say that your Maximum Leader doesn’t like St Patrick’s Day. He does. He doesn’t need a reason to drink Guiness, but it is sometimes nice to have one.

St Valentines Day is a different matter. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t really like the societal requirements of Valentines Day. Cards. Flowers. Candies. Stuff. Of course, most of the gifts go in the male to female direction. Boys buy/do stuff for girls. So imagine what must be going through your Maximum Leader’s brain when he saw the headline What Guys Really Want for Valentines Day on his Yahoo home page.

Let’s see… What do guys really want on Valentines Day - according to some schmoe “expert” on Yahoo? Some crap about “Romance Lite” and “A Surprise.” Your Maximum Leader was going to cite some of the piece, but re-reading it seems to be draining the testosterone out of his system. The only thing the piece’s author writes with which your Maximum Leader can agree is that men want a steak on Valentines Day. Duh. Men want a good steak any day they can get one. Great jeezey chreezey. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

(Excursus: Your Maximum Leader can only partially agree with the “steak” comment made in the Yahoo piece. According to David Zinczenko - who by the way has a cool and manly name - even if the advice he dishes out is rather metrosexual, men want a steak at a place where their girl can also get something she wants. It has been your Maximum Leader’s experience that if you want steak you either do your own or go to a steak house. If your female companion wants chicken marsala or sushi, you - the man - ought to steer away from steak. The noteworthy exception being that if the sushi is served at a high-end Japanese restaurant that also serves Kobe (or Wagu) beef.)

So… Rather than taking your advice from some gammy-handed metrosexual on Yahoo here is some advice on what to get a man for Valentines Day from your (manly) Maximum Leader. At the top of the list is sex. Basically, men want sex. Frankly, the only reason that men play along with all the Valentines Day crap we have to put up with is the hope that we will have sex as a result of our largesse. Remember that women… Men like sex.

Second on the list (a distant second after sex we might add) would be flannel. Men also like flannel. Some men like it made into shirts. Some into underwear. Some into washcloths. But we all like flannel. (Your Maximum Leader has even heard that Tim Gunn likes flannel - he just hides his love of the fabric. BTW, nice typo on the Bravo page for Mr Gunn.) February is a cold month. Warm us up with a little flannel. Of course, if you are into giving flannel shirts you might model them for us - right before the sex.

After flannel is the othe important “f” gift, firearms. Men like us our firearms. Nickel plated. Chrome plated. Blued until they are dark as night. Or the ever popular gun metal grey. We all like guns. Hows about picking us up a nice shotgun, semi-automatic pistol, or classic revolver (no pearl handles, only pimps carry pearl handled revolvers)? We’d like it. We will even be happy to clean the guns with the remains of the worn out flannel shirts you got us a few Valentines Days ago…

If you aren’t up for sex, or flannel, or firearms how about lowered expectations? Men also like lowered expectations on Valentines Day. We are bombarded by chintzy jewelry stores who want to unload heart-shaped diamoniques and “forever” pendants. We are surrounded by teddy bear factories and florists who promise to have the most unique gift in the world for that special woman (and the SKU number for that unique gift is…). We heard about the friend of a friend of a friend who’s boyfriend whisked her off for a day of spa treatments - in Tahiti - just to prove how much he loved her on Valentines Day. How about lowering those expectations just a wee little bit.

Would a hug and a kiss be okay? Would it be enough to say that we chose you for who you are and that is the biggest step we are capable of?

No?

Well… Lucky for us American Express has no preset spending limit.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure what to think of this week. Today certainly felt like a Monday, although it was definately a Wednesday. The abbreviated week is nice, but it does seem to upset (on some level) the regular flow of time…

So… Iowa caucuses tomorrow… Predictions? Anyone? Here you go… On the Democratic side: Obama wins narrowly over Hillary Clinton. Edwards a distant third. Richardson fourth. Other Dems decide to call it quits after results. Four way race going into New Hampshire. On the Republican side: Romney narrowly edges out Huckabee. McCain polls third. Thompson fourth. Rudy fifth. The five (and Ron Paul) remain in contention in New Hampshire. Republican field will not clear out until February.

Your know… Your Maximum Leader has a “thing.” Actually, he has many “things” but this one relates to Egg Nog. He doesn’t think that one should drink Egg Nog after the Feast of the Epiphany. He doesn’t know why this is, but it is. He has a fresh half gallon of Egg Nog he bought right after Christmas. Alas, his Egg Nog consumption was low over the New Years holiday. He now is going to have to go through lots of Egg Nog in a few days.

Your Maximum Leader’s lovely wife, Mrs Villain, buys skim or fat-free milk when she does the grocery shopping. Your Maximum Leader mostly buys 1% (or sometimes whole - or what passes for whole in stores now - when he buys whole milk he pretends he just grabbed the gallon from “the wrong shelf” when asked why he bought whole milk). Now he will urge Mrs Villain to buy 1% milk at the store… For the sake of your Maximum Leader’s prostate.

Your Maximum Leader believes that all-you-can-eat buffets are - essentially - wagers. Bets if you will. The restaurant is betting that they can prepare more food than you can eat (and make a profit) for the price they charge. In most cases, given the quality of buffet food, it is a bet the restaurants win. Then again there are people like Ricky Labit. Ricky apparently doesn’t like losing bets with all-you-can-eat buffets.

And finally… In a sign that “science” has in fact reached to new lows… Apparently a bunch of intrepid researchers have determined that male macaques “pay” for sex with female macaques. Yes… female macaques are, apparently, all whores who wontonly exchange intercourse for… wait for it… grooming. According to the piece:

Michael Gumert of Nanyang Technological University in Singapore made the discovery in a 20-month investigation into 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, New Scientist reports on Saturday.

On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour.

But this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male — and her partner of choice was likely to be the hunky monkey that did the grooming.

Market forces also acted on the value of the transaction.

If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically — a male could “buy” a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking.

But if there were no females around, he would have to groom for up to 16 minutes before sex was offered.

The work supports the theory that biological market forces can explain social behaviour, the British weekly says.

Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that the males are “paying” for sex in the sense of prostitution - as seems to be implied in the article. The males are more “exchanging” sex for the primate equivilent of spa treatments. (Try paying Trixie down on the corner in spa treatments and see how far that gets you…)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, when the vapor lock has him, finds himself going to an ole standby for a post… Something about the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt…

Yes… Some website has names the dreamy Miss Hewitt the Number 5 most attrative woman to watch in HDTV. As you all know, your Maximum Leader gives the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt the solid number One position in analog AND HD; but it is nice to see others are thinking about her. (Excursus: Perhaps too many people are thinking about her… If you catch your Maximum Leader’s meaning…)

Also on the list… Okay… Not the whole list but only those who your Maximum Leader has heard of/seen/can comment upon:

10) Angie Harmon. Grrr Baby. That Jason Seahorn is one lucky guy. Your Maximum Leader misses her on Law and Order. We’ll always have re-runs on A&E.

8 ) Hayden Panettiere. Your Maximum Leader has never seen Heros, but this little girl is cute.

6 ) Rebecca Romijn. Once again, your Maximum Leader has never seen “Ugly Betty” - but if he knew that Rebecca Romijn was starring in it, he might try to catch an episode.

1) Giada De Laurentiis. Whew… Todd (Mr Giada De Laurentiis) is one lucky guy. Landing Giada. Not only does he have all those film producers in the family, but Giada to cook for him.

Your Maximum Leader notices that a certain someone from “My Name is Earl” is not anywhere to be found on the list… Hummm… One suspects that the writer of the list had a modicum of taste and discernment…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader laughed his arse off after reading this.

Thanks to Ted for the link.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read that J.K. Rowling has just outed Albus Dumbledore. Yes, you read that right. The Hogwarts Headmaster is gay.

Frankly, this doesn’t change the fact that your Maximum Leader tremendously enjoyed the whole Harry Potter series. Indeed, he doesn’t really care. It doesn’t change the arch of the story for him. Your Maximum Leader does wonder if this revelation will affect other’s view of the story.

Of course, your Maximum Leader supposes that this announcement will cause a flurry of revisionism concerning how people will interpret what is (or is not) in the story.

Ah well…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is growing more and more scatterbrained. He is now forgetting where he first saw articles about which he is going to blog. You know… So you can attribute your sources so to speak.

Anyhoo… From the world’s greatest tabloid comes this lovely gem: We only date ugly men. Excerpt:

Slicking on another layer of lipgloss, Selena Maria slings her bag over her shoulder and struts into the bar.

A sea of dark, handsome heads turn to ogle her. Jaws drop and good-looking men raise their eyebrows or move in to offer her a drink.

But Selena walks on by. She only has eyes for one man. He’s waiting for her in a dark corner. He’s not one of the handsome guys in sharp suits. He’s not even ‘average’.

He’s bald and podgy, with a pock-marked face, and is easily the ugliest man in the room. She sidles into the chair next to him.

‘Hi, gorgeous,’ she purrs. The man’s gargoyle face breaks into a toothless smile.

The good-looking men know they don’t stand a chance.

Selena has dated her fair share of hunks, but has given up on gorgeous guys because they’re dull – both in and out of bed.

Ah… Lucky for these ladies that your Maximum Leader (and Smallholder) are both off the market. If we were not both happily married there would likely be a queue of young (hot) British chics just lining up to get their manicured paws all over us. Your Maximum Leader would probably have to beat them off with a stick…

Your Maximum Leader would like to attribute his reading of this peice to someone, but he can’t remember who… So sorry… Whoever you are out there.

And before your Maximum Leader ends this post…

Allow him to doff his bejeweled floppy (mylan) cap towards Mr Atoz over on Agent Bedhead’s site. The “tuber of doom” had your Maximum Leader rolling. He doesn’t actually follow much “news” concerning Britney Spears’ ongoing meltdown… But he will keep his eyes peeled for more from Mr Atoz on this front…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has gone what, a week or more, without writing a post about the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt? At least a week anyhow…

Well… What should your Maximum Leader read today but that the dreamy Miss Hewitt won a Saturn Award for Best Actress Science Fiction, Horror, or Fantasy Television program. Take THAT Mr and Mrs Emmy! Hah! Your silly golden statue ain’t got nuthin’ on the Saturn Award! Nuthin’

Okay… Your Maximum Leader admits that he’s never heard of the Saturn Awards until this very day. They seem to give away some shiny golden thingie. One must wonder if the star must receive the award in person, or if they can just have their housekeeper sign for it when the UPS guy delivers it after awards show airs on a Los Angeles area cable access channel.

Anyhoo… Congratulations to the very dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt. You won a best actress award, your series was picked up for another season. Things are going well for you. They would be going better for you if you would drop your Maximum Leader a line from time to time… But hey, you must be a busy woman.

A few days ago, our friend - the delightful Mrs P - directed your Maximum Leader towards an article in the Daily Mail about the very beautiful Sophia Loren. It seems that Mrs. Loren recently attended a party for her film studio. At the party Miss Loren (or is it Mrs Ponti? - aged 72) wore a dress with a rather plunging neckline. (If you clicky on the linky you will see her in the dress.) Now some are speculating that Miss Loren (really - should she really be Mrs Ponti?) has gone under the knife the enhance her “figure.”

Frankly, your Maximum Leader doesn’t know - and frankly doesn’t much care - if Sophia Loren has had cosmetic surgery. If she has, he will admit that he doesn’t understand why she might have done so. Regardless, for over 50 years Sophia Loren has been a stunningly beautiful woman. Your Maximum Leader would (if he were single and unencumbered by family - or some would say morals) gladly submit to a date (or two) with Sophia Loren. She is a beautiful woman (and reportedly she is politically right of center - which is always a plus…). What hormonally normal man (who hasn’t taken a religious vow of some sort) wouldn’t?

And finally… It seems Maxim Magazine has come out with their list of the top 100 best looking women. Topping the list - Lindsay Lohan. (If you want to just peruse the list itself here it is.) Not appearing on the list - the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt (frankly neither does Sophia Loren).

To this your Maximum Leader can safely declare that whoever it is at Maxim that thinks up this list is obviously smoking crack or something… Whoever thinks up this list should also be glad that the Mike World Order (MWO) is not upon us. For if it were… That man (or woman, or group) would be dragged out and shot.

Carry on.