Lessons I learned watching “The 300″

The 300 is a fun, but stupid movie. It looks great and has practically no plot. Following Frank Millers art so closely probably has fans of the graphic novel drooling, but parts of it just look stupid. The look of Xerxes had people in the theater giggling. And the costume of the Spartans just looked dumb. Going to battle in a red cape and a loin cloth made the Spartans seem, well, absurd. I started wondering if the filmmakers had digitally enhanced the actors abs. In fact, the entire movie seemed like a fighting video game. Fight a bunch of bad guys, then fight the boss. Get a new weapon, then fight another bunch of bad guys. repeat.

Anyway, some things I learned about Thermopylae.

- The History Channel says that the Spartans wore armour. No, they didn’t. They fought in G-strings and bow ties.

chippendales.jpg
Spartan Warriors before a battle

- The Spartans discovered Anabolic Steroids and Human Growth Hormone. Barry Bonds actually tried out for the Spartan army, but was denied. Though he blamed the lack of an intregrated military, he was rejected because his blood test came back negative.

bonds327.jpg
Spartan Wannabe

- Historians say “Thermopylae” means “Hot Gateway” or “Hot Gates”. This is not true. It’s actually “Hot Cakes”.

- Xerxes was a great emperor, but few people know he was actually one of the Villiage People early on in his career. He was kicked out of the group for being “too tall and kinky” according to the groups publicist.

rodrigosantoro300xerxes.jpg
Too tall and kinky

- I tried to come up with a witty way of saying this, but the dudes Scottish accent was distracting. Leonidas in this film sounded more Scottish than Mel Gibson as William Wallace. Gerard Butler looks the part, but maybe they should have James Earl Jones dub in his voice or something. Or maybe, the film should have been entirely in Greek with subtitles. The plot, such as it is, is simple to follow. The audience doesn’t really need to understand the dialogue.
leonidaspic.jpg
Your Haggis is Mine

- The Iranians just can’t avoid being bad guys. Maybe it’s just in their blood. Their fearsome troops look like a cheap highschool Samurai mask.

300-2.jpg
Please don’t laugh, I’m really scary

3 Comments »
Kevin Kim said:

That last picture… Death Eaters!

Kevin



AirMarshall said:

They are the immortals (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persian_Immortals). People in the theater laughed when they showed up.



Kevin Kim said:

Interesting. I just caught “300″ online and noticed that Faramir is the one-eyed narrator, while that dude who played Eudorus in “Troy” is the captain (one of King Leonidas’ friends, whose son is beheaded by dem nasty Persians). Cool.

The movie was pretty goofy. They should’ve let Tarantino direct it. Or Mel Gibson, since Gibson has established himself as good with massive fight scenes. Or the Wachowski Brothers, if they really wanted to stick with the wacky special effects.

I could’ve done without the electric guitars in the soundtrack.

Kevin



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