Tuesday Post: Full Disclosre

In gracious company, we here at Naked Villainy are blessed to join the Demystifying Divas and the Men’s Club in their weekly Tuesday posts. This week, the responsibility falls to me, and the topic is the when, where, and how of full sexual disclosure.

As a single man (please make note, ladies), I tend to follow two hard and fast rules: first, never lie. It might seem easier at the time, but lying is only going to get you in trouble. It is always better to plead the fifth than to lie: a woman might or might not stop seeing you because of what she imagines you’re doing with other people or have done in the past, but if she finds out you’ve lied about it, she’ll not only stop seeing you but be justified in trashing your name before her friends.

Second, protect yourself and future partners from the lying of others. Protection, protection, protection! Do you trust all of your lover’s ex-lovers? Do you expect all of your future partners to trust your current girlfriend? Look out for your own health and well-being, and be considerate of anyone else you’re might sleep with in the future. It can be tough in a moment of passion, but it’s important you mentally rehearse this rule until even drunkeness cannot obscure it. Additionally, your health care practioner is going to make you feel stupid if you show up every three months and request the same tests.

If you follow these two rules, then sexual disclosure is essentially a non-issue. You can discuss it theoretically, and you can discuss it with the hope of gaining greater trust in a relationship, but disclosure itself is not a necessity.

Nonetheless, the act of disclosure can itself be a positive and relationship-building experience under certain circumstances. However, it’s important that you think about the specifics of what you want to share, and when. Some general guidelines that I follow, for better or worse:

When I Meet a Potential Partner For the First Time, In a Bar Or At a Party
Do Share: I’m a Gemini
Don’t Share: Anything else

When I Sleep With Someone For the First Time, Immediately After Meeting In a Bar Or Following a Date Soon After
Do Share: I’m a Gemini
Don’t Share: Anything else (don’t forget about protection!)

Before I Sleep With Someone For the Second Time
Do Share: I’m seeing other people (not technically required unless asked — again, don’t lie! — but, in the long run, I’m always glad I said it up front)
Don’t Share: Specific details of whom I’m sleeping with

When My Partner Shares Details of Whom She’s Slept With In the Past Or Whom She’s Sleeping With Now
Do Share: The fact that I’ve slept with more people
Don’t Share: Exact numbers or the actual percentage of one-night stands

When Sleeping Together Becomes A Regular Thing
Do Share: What I like and don’t like (and I request the same information in return)
Don’t Share: Which ex-girlfriend ‘educated’ me as to my likes, and which ex-girlfriend did it best

When A Partner Expresses An Interest In, You Know, Something ‘New’

Do Share: “Well, that’s something that I’ve tried before . . . but it’s important that we focus on what you’re comfortable with”
Don’t Share: References

When A Partner Says She’d Like to Invite A Cute Friend For a Threesome
Do Share: Reluctant agreement: careful! This might be a trap
Don’t Share: The fact that it wouldn’t be the first time, and never suggest names

When We Make a Serious and Exclusive Commitment
Do Share: How long it’s been since I last made a serious commitment
Don’t Share: How that commitment ended, or how many people I’ve slept with since that last commitment

When We’re Considering Having Sex Without Protection
Do Share: Any risky behavior, intentional or accidental, I’ve engaged in since my last test (and expect the same information in return)
Don’t Share: Specific details
When I Realize I’m Sleeping With Someone That I Want to Be With For the Rest of My Life (theoretical)

Do Share: Everything. Everything, everything, everything.

Oh, and never share the fact that you blog about your sex life. If you do admit that you blog about your sex life, never reveal the actual URL. If you do, you’ll be editing yourself forever.

Believe.

For more Men’s Club posts check out: Phin and the Wizard. And soon we’ll hear from Puffy.

For for the Demystifying Divas check out: Sadie, Kathy, Christina, and Silk.

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