To The Squishy Smallholder

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is still not feeling quite up to snuff. He’s been trying to take it easy and feel better. (NB: Minion Molly wrote to say she is not well either. Hummm… Coincidence? Or evidence of illicit dalliances across the ether?… Probably coincidence. It’s that time of year.)

Anyho…

The Smallholder asks, below, wht should be the fate of the trapped racoon. Here are a few suggestions.

In the style of your Maximum Leader: Shoot it. Drag it out and shoot it. Allow its body to bloat in the sun as an example to all other uppity racoons lest they get ideas.

In the style of Winston Churchill: Shoot it. But don’t waste time. Just walk right up and shoot the bloody thing. Of course, don’t be rude either. When killing a racoon it costs one nothing to be polite.

In the style of the Joseph Stalin: Shoot it. Walk up and POW! One round in the back of the head. Note to self: invoice the racoon’s family for the bullet.

In the style of the John F. Kerry: Examine your options carefully. Don’t be too hasty in starting an ill-concieved war against this particular rodent when you know the deer are your real enemy. Don’t be distracted by the racoon. Go after the deer! Or then again, don’t go after the deer. Perhaps you SHOULD go after the racoon. Aw hell… Who cares. I voted in favour of authorizing the Smallholder to use force anyway… But I am not going to vote to fund a replacement bullet! Not till all the farmers in France agree with killing the racoon.

In the style of Professor Burgess-Jackson: You have an obligation to minimize the suffering of the racoon. You are keeping it trapped and probably mistreating it by with-holding food and water. The racoon is a moral agent and entitled to fair treatment, as such, by you. Release the racoon.

In the style of Cletus from the Simpsons: Shoot it. Then skin it. Then cook it. ‘Coons make good eatin’.

There you have it… The preponderence is for shooting. Of course, if you don’t want to waste the bullet. You do still have your Maximum Leader’s machete…

Carry on.

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