Monarchy of Booze

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been trying to finish off this bottle of vodka he has in his freezer. As longtime readers know, your Maximum Leader is a Scotch/Bourbon man. So vodka isn’t his bailiwick so to speak. He prided himself by discovering that mixing vodka and V-8 Mango/Peach juice was a way to get both liquor and vegetable nourishment in one tall glass. Alas, one of your Maximum Leader’s readers wasn’t quite as impressed.

Card wrote in a comment the following:

My Maximum Leader, I have always been a scotch drinker myself. I consider scotch the King of Boozes. I have for many years also been a fan of vodka, which I consider the Queen of Boozes. I would never defile scotch by mixing it with some vile, alien substance. I think the queen deserves the same respect. I humbly suggest that you toss the V8 Fusion down the toilet or your kid’s throat where it belongs. The queen is an absolute delight when she is chilled and naked.

Well said. Your Maximum Leader must admit that he sort of likes the V-8 fusion with or without the vodka. (It is also okay with rum.) So it is unlikely that it will go down the loo. But he isn’t sure that he can handle the vodka straight-up. And your Maximum Leader isn’t going to go for one of those pansy “flavoured” vodkas. They seem wrong in principle.


Your Maximum Leader read this comment and it got to perculating in his mind. He certainly agrees that scotch is the King of Booze. But he wasn’t sure about vodka being the queen. Well… He wasn’t sure at first. But the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense. Then your Maximum Leader’s bizarre little mind got to thinking more… The result of his thinking…

Behold! The monarchy of booze:

King of Booze - scotch whisky
Queen of Booze - vodka
Crown Prince of Booze - Bourbon
Duke of Booze - Tennessee whisky
Earl(s) of Booze - Canadian whisky/Brandy
Marquise of Booze - Gin
Baron of Booze - Rum
Knights of Booze - Tequila
The rising middle class of Booze - wine
UPDATED! - Serfs - of course peasants drink beer

This is just a premilinary hierarchy. If you care to add to the list, please feel free to do so. Make suggestions and your Maximum Leader will expand the list.

God save the King (of Booze)!

Carry on.

Smallholder said:

Change the “peasants” to “serfs.” Don’t you want a legal tie to the land?

bobgirrl said:

Vodka is for sissies. It tastes like nothing! I stick with gin or single malt scotch. If you can handle scotch neat, you most certainly should be able to handle vodka in the same manner.

So sayeth the Goddess of Booze.

His MAximumness speaks ill of flavored vodkas, then gives gin a seat at the table… but what IS gin? It’s a neutral spirit grain alcohol (like vodka) that’s been infused with juniper berries and other spices/herbs (flavored). Double standard, methinks…

Card said:

My Maximum Leader, I have only just returned from an out of town business junket. Imagine my thrill to see that your maximumness deemed it appropriate to feature my humble comments in a recent post. I am blushing. However, I am not so thoroughly blushed that I can sit quietly by without offering some minionesque comments on the Hierarchy of Boozes. To wit…

1) To augment your list, I grovelingly submit the following: Sloe Gin, the dancing dwarf of boozes; Flavored (aka “Candy”) brandies, the court slut of boozes.

2) One important correction to your list: Gin is the twisted, bipolar hunchback (e.g. the Richard III) of boozes. Think about it and be honest with yourself. How many people, after all, do you know who partake of the juniper berry without succumbing to either murder or the burning down of some great public building?

Your humble minion, Card

I would argue that there are in fact three warring kingdoms of booze. The High Test Kingdom of Liqour, The Principate of Wine, and the Republic of Beer.

The High King of Liquor is certainly Scotch. And many of the roles you suggest for other distilled spirits are appropriate. But really, the wines would never submit to the rule of another alcohol. The Prince of the Wines (after a recent civil war) is the House of Cabernet from California. They displaced the French Cabernets, who are now plotting in return. The nobility of the Principate is largely the red wines. The awkward bourgeoisie - putting on airs, but still with red clay on their feet, is the blush and zinfandels. The yeomanry is the white wines, though some white wines still cling to noble titles like saxons in Plantagenet England. The serfs are the box wines.

The republic of beer is a low place. The vast majority of the population is low income industrial workers, the proletariat of thin American style lagers. There is a vibrant entrepreneurial class, though, of independent craft brewers. Some of these have become successful, and have started aping the manners of the nobility of the Liquors and Wines. There is also a large corporate managerial class, wholly owned by the large lager magnates, but who aspire to higher quality than they actually possess. In a curious inversion of life in America, the darker beers are the more respected and wealthy.

In the mountains between Wine and Liquor, there is a barbarous, semi-independent state inhabited by piratical and impoverished fortified wines. The high sulfate content of the soils there leaves life very hard indeed.

Card said:

I hesitate to bring up such ugliness but…

After the Kingdom of Liquor, the Principate of Wine, and the Republic of Beer, there is yet another dark realm — an outlaw realm. Yes, you all know what I’m talking about. Don’t feign innocence as if you’ve never dipped your nib in the inkwell of depravity. I have seen you all there, as I now see you glancing over your shoulders. THERE…sipping on your after shave, adding a squirt of lighter fluid to your Faygo, and deeply inhaling that model glue as you mix a little turpentine in your green Gatorade. Don’t even think of putting on airs with me.

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