Johnny Human Torch

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader shuddered when he read this off the news wire:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict.”

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

Hummm… Let your Maximum Leader think about this. What could the man have done to deserve this… Not put the toilet seat down? Not squeeze the toothpaste tube from the end? Left dirty dishes in the sink for days on end? Not sharing the remote to the TV? The possibilities are endless…

Also… Was the man awake? The story just says he was naked and drinking in front of the TV. One would have to presume that he a) had fallen asleep and didn’t notice his ex-wife preparing to light him aflame or b) been so drunk he didn’t notice his ex-wife preparing to light him aflame.

Carry on.

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