December 29th

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will point out to you that it is December 29th. That would make it New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve. Longtime readers will note that this day that of the annual Pardoning of the Dwarves ritual. For those of you unfamiliar with this ritual, the original description of it is reproduced here exactly as the Poet Laureate wrote it:

Every New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve (i.e., the 29th of December), the Maximum Leader steps out onto the soaring perch of his 200-meter-high obsidian balcony, surveys the fawning masses below, and begins the annual Pardoning of the Dwarves ritual, which ends with the incantation, “I PISS ON EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.”

All the captured dwarves are brought forth into the daylight from their dungeons, flogging chambers, and forced-breeding dens, where they are ordered to stand in ranks while the wee Villainettes randomly select seven dwarves (yes, seven) for pardoning.

The audience wildly applauds the Maximum Leader’s demonstration of compassion and mercy. They celebrate with a feast, followed by an even more thorough flogging of the remaining dwarves. The seven pardoned dwarves are sent into the woods where they may seek their fortune as manual laborers, but are forbidden sexual congress with normal human women (a law put in place after the embarrassing Snow White incident).

Tomorrow, then, is the Pardoning of the Dwarves. Your attendance is requested. Please assemble in front of the Villainschloss Balcony to bask in your Maximum Leader’s Ponderous Peroration, and make sure your stomachs are empty, that they may be filled with the flesh of all manner of slaughtered beasts and birds. Please bring your horsewhips (and your good cheer) if you plan to participate in the Supplementary Flogging.

Glory to the realm!

This year there will be one small change… The Villainettes will not participate. The Villainettes, Mrs Villain, and the Wee Villain are off visiting family. Your Maximum Leader is, thus, a bachelor for the night. Woo hoo! (Says he.) Let the feasting commence!

Carry on.

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