Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is hoping he isn’t going to have to get the boyz together for an improptu rescue mission…

” Of what is my Maximum Leader speaking?” you are likely asking yourself. Well, if you were keeping tabs on Robbo; you would know that the resident “bad boy” of the Llamabutchers is being hauled in front of his local “Cardinal Fang” and being made to talk.

If things go badly Robbo can call his Maximum Leader for a rescue mission. Your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder will swoop down on the unsuspecting Episcopalians with guns a-blazing (in the case of your Maximum Leader) or brandishing a very pointy pitchfork (in the case of the Smallholder) and save him from the clutches of those vestry members who will poke him with the comfy pillows or force him to answer the dreaded question. Cake or death?

Robbo… Your Maximum Leader is here if you need him.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sure that by now you have heard of the passing of Anna Nicole Smith. Your Maximum Leader, humanitarian that he is, wondered immediately about Smith’s infant daughter and what would happen to her. Whatever it is, it is surely not going to be pleasant.

Although it might seem churlish, it would seem as though Smith’s story is at an end. You may recall that once while guest blogging over at Agent Bedhead’s site, your Maximum Leader wrote a cautionary tale about Smith and the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt. In that post your Maximum Leader wrote:

What does the future hold for Anna Nicole Smith? Well, it doesn‚Äö?Ñ?¥t appear to hold money from J. Howard Marshall. Our white trash heroine picked an idiot lawyer and seems to have lost all her cash. Anna’s weight is down and she has resumed respectable modeling. But we all know that the greased pole, disco lights, and overpriced watered-down drinks are just a fifth of Southern Comfort and a few pills away. She may yet return to her trailer park roots…

Apparently the trailer park is not in her future any more… Who’d have thought then that Anna Nicole would have appealed her court case to the Supreme Court of the United States - and won. Who could have predicted her son’s death at age 20? And now, her own death. Sad really…

All of this is just sad…

But before too long it will make a great TV movie.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader finds himself called out and put in his place by the delightful Mrs P.

Apparently, in a comment on Wing Commander Seal’s site your Maximum Leader proverbially “stepped in it.” This is what happens when you open up about things and are honest in blogging… To excerpt Mrs P:

The Maximum Leader said…

I am glad to see that you will not be ordering oysters at your club (although I’m sure that if your club offered oysters they would be fine). I find that in areas more than a 4 hours drive by car/truck from a major body of salty/brackish water is not the type of region in which one wants to order shellfish. I will go further and say that in areas more than 4 hours drive from a major body of water ordering fish may be suspect.

Many people, mistakenly, believe that this little personality foible of mine stems from a concern about the freshness of the product concerned. In fact, as Maximum Leader, I have a considerable understanding of how fish is caught, prepared and shipped. Indeed, my concern comes more from experience in how non-coastal places tend to prepare fish.

This said, I’m sure your club’s poisson courses are delicious and well prepared.

Are you sure that you should make a special request for Mrs P and Card’s Wife? Something like Dinde Grand-duc? (Can’t find a link to the recipe - but you can find it in your handy copy of Larousse Gastronomique.)

Now, Maximum Leader, or Maxy, as he is known here, is quite the expert at most things, especially ham pillows, but Maxy, we need to talk. This advice of advoiding shellfish 4 hours from brackish water is not advice that leads to a happy life. Life must have risks or it isn’t a life. Besides, men have understood the oyster and how to pack it for travel for centuries. Emma, which Jane Austen penned in 1816, takes place in the imaginary village of Highbury. Highbury is 16 miles from London and the families of Highbury, in the days before dentistry and antibiotics, regularly partook of oysters in season and not one of them cashed in their chips though the book lasted long enough for a couple to be married and then bring forth a child. A middle-aged couple no less, hence the regular partaking of oysters. Back in those days, in season was as key to enjoying oysters as was the proper packing of said bivalves.

The late cook, Julia Child, had grandparents who hailed from St. Louis. Julia was born in 1912. So, if one does the math, this would place Julia’s grandparents in St. Louis prior to St. Louis becoming the dog food capital of America. Or, about 20 years before the turn of the 20th century. According to Julia, every winter her grandfather would order a barrel of oysters from a reputable purveyor of oysters in New York City. The reputable oyster purveyor would have his men pack the oysters in a barrel surrounded in seaweed wit the well of the oyster shell facing downwards. This kept the oyster completely content inside the little seawater bath inside it’s shell with enough little oceany things for it to dine on. The oysters, not having a brain, didn’t even know they were no longer in the sea. The barrel was then placed on a steam locomotive, right side up, and transported to St. Louis where the oysters kept well for several weeks in the cold basement of Julia’s grandfather’s home. So the moral of this tale is that the key to enjoying oysters away from the sea is to see how they have been treated before you consume them : they must be placed well side down. Otherwise they will grow sick and eventually die. More than that, you will think you are dying if you consume a mistreated oyster. The good news is that a mistreated oyster gives off such a bad odor, one has to be beyond inebriated and really in a horizontal state to be enough of an idiot consider consuming it. If someone tells you, they were once made sick from a bad oyster or even a clam or mussel, nod your head and listen patiently with concerned eyes to their lament.

Your Maximum Leader can do nothing in the face of this commentary. (Save, of course, take it like a man. Even if it means… Radishing.) In the Socratic sense of offering an apology, he will have to say that it has been his experience that once one goes a way from salty/brackish water, the talent for preparing “fish” starts to diminish. Your Maximum Leader, rather arbitrially, set his distance away from salty/brackish water as 4 hours by car or truck.

Fish, including most shellfish, is a dish that take a little talent to prepare. It is easy to overcook, it is easy to undercook. And when fish isn’t done well, it is… Gross… Why on earth would one want to subject oneself to poorly done fish? He hopes that longtime readers, especially those living more than 4 hours than car/truck from brackish/salty water, will overlook this very minor foible in your Maximum Leader’s personality.

As enjoyable as it is to be taken to task by the delightful Mrs P, your Maximum Leader will try not to make a habit of running afoul of her.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has read a few things today that just beg to be linked.

First off… There is Eric’s peice about wild dogs. An excerpt:

… They truly were a menace…. having crossed that fine line that resides in the hearts of all beasts, they eagerly let civilization’s grip slip away and descended towards their more primal selves….

It is very good. Read it.

In a completely different vein, you should read the Taki piece that is linked by Wing Commander Seal. Your Maximum Leader is al for dictatorial style. Of course, his own personal style is a little retro - bejeweled floppy caps and all. But he has admired the style of Horthy, Peron, and Franco…

If you have a few minutes, and it will take a few minutes, you really need to read the piece in the LA Times about the discovery of a new Archimedes text under forgeries, prayers, and eraser marks. It is a fascinating read… And it isn’t every day you get to read the word “palimpest” in a news article…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was sucked into taking another quiz thingie. Results are…

The Norse Pantheon Calls to You!
Take Which Pantheon is Best for you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey’s Personality Test Generator.

Thanks to Rachel for the link.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, a while back, declared the Ttan Arun (or Corpse Flower) the official flower of the Mike World Order. From time to time one gets news of a Titan Arun bloom in the news…

Today, from Cornwall, UK, we have news that a Titan Arun has bloomed. And bloomed in winter no less… The Reuters peice reads in part:

Unseasonably warm weather may have tricked the world’s smelliest plant into blooming in the middle of the northern hemisphere winter, botanists at the Eden Project where the native of Sumatra is housed, told Reuters.

The warmth of 2006 and mild winter to date have encouraged the Titan Arum or Corpse Flower into a phenomenal growth spurt and into flower — an event that usually happens only once every six to nine years.

“The Titan, standing at 164 cms tall is now giving off a revolting stink,” said curator Don Murray. “It is a cross between rotten cheese, dog poo and something dead.”

“Tonight the flowers will be in full bloom — as will the stench — and that will last through Tuesday and Wednesday. But by Thursday it will have started to die back,” he told Reuters from the project in Cornwall 220 miles southwest of London.

Murray said it was highly abnormal for the plant to flower in winter.

“Last year’s unprecedented warm temperatures and high sunshine levels and the extremely mild winter we are currently experiencing have to be considered as a factor in this rare occurrence,” he said.

Your Maximum Leader is sure this is is a subtle reinforcement of global warming stories that Reuters likes. The sunlight must have tricked the Titan Arun, which one expects lives in a greenhouse, into thinking it is summer in Sumatra and not winter in Cornwall.

It is quite cold here at the Villainschloss… Definately winter.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was requested to complete one of these meme thingies by his friend Mo over at Six Degrees of Blondness…
Without further hesitation, 55 Questions you may never have been asked.:

1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
No.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Not especially. But your Maximum Leader does have a particuarly nice Mont Blanc pen of which he is fond.

3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?
Maximum Leaderly things - as ususal.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
They are toenail colored. For goodness sakes, your Maximum Leader is a man. He doesn’t paint his toenails. He is also clean and well groomed, so his toenails aren’t all yellow and crumbly…

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Lines on a spreadsheet.

6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
White with Chinese characters written on them.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
Black. Like the rest of the car.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
Once upon a time your Maximum Leader had a black and white cat.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A thank you note.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
Dick Cheney.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
To have cash. Who writes this stuff?

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
His niece.

13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
Your Maximum Leader thinks he might have known some at some point, but he can’t recall any of them not. If he knew of any now, he would likely mock them mercilessly.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Good God no! Original Crest. Only.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
The current Villainmobile, a 2003 Mercury Marauder.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators
Like Henry Kissinger said of the Iran/Iraq war… It is a pity they both can’t lose.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
Your Maximum Leader has never been to a Six Flags.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
Yes.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
A flashing light on a cable modem.

20. Last person to give you a business card?
A new VP at a local bank.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
Your Maximum Leader doesn’t write cheques.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
The famed Karsh photo of Winston Churchill.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Some friends brought a dish with them for a Super Bowl par-tay at the Villainschloss.

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No.

25. How many emails do you have?
In his inbox, or how many accounts?

26. Last time you received flowers?
Your Maximum Leader cannot recall ever receiving flowers.

27. Do you think te sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
This appears to be a strangely serious and political questions amongst the whimsy of the other questions. Your Maximum Leader’s views on this matter are clear. But in case he’s not been clear enough, yes, he believes that marriage is an estate for a man and a woman.

29. Do you play air guitar?
What self-respecting man under the age of 50 doesn’t?

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
As crazy as it may sound… Your Maximum Leader doesn’t drink coffee. It gives him a headache. He is a tea drinker.

32. What is your high school’s rival mascot?
Your Maximum Leader doesn’t recall. His “rival” high school was merged with another school… Frankly he doesn’t recall any of the “rival” mascots.

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
The Air Marshal on Thursday.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Yesterday

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
Only the drumroll they “play” before the firing squad does their business.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
The “living room” of the Villainschloss has no blinds.

37. What is in your inbox at work?
Your Maximum Leader has no inbox.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
A piece about a wrongful death lawsuit going on in town here concerning a plane crash. Your Maximum Leader knew two of the men killed in the crash.

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
The “Miss Longwood” pageant in 1990. The young woman who won the pageant was an acquaintance of your Maximum Leader’s. She later became Miss Virginia, and then was first runner up in the Miss America pageant. He will note that the pageant in question was in fact the only pageant he’d ever seen, in person or on tee vee.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Giant. Two frozen pizza’s for the freezers.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
No. Does a floppy (mylan) cap count?

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
A note to Villainette #1’s report card.

43. Did you ever drink Clear Pepsi?
Never. Your Maximum Leader is a Coke man.

44. Are you ticklish?
Your Maximum Leader can’t divulge such information. If you knew, he’d have to kill you.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
July 4, 2006

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Friday night. The “hot” sign was on while your Maximum Leader was driving by. He felt a primal need to stop. He caved to the craving.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned their call?
Mrs Villain. Called last night.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
Probably some time in the early 1990s.

49. Do you have a black dog?
Actually, yes. Metaphorically, not right now. (Winston Churchill’s family used to describe his depressions as “black dogs.”)

50. Do you have any pickles in your fridge?
Yes. When your Maximum Leader buys pickles he always buys Mt Olive pickles. Most of the time, he buys dill. But recently he’s been eating the little sweet gerhkin ones…

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Uncle.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
Humm… Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure on this one. He can say that he was just looking at Fiona Apple’s eyes on his iPod. They are pretty damned pretty.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
This morning.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kidd Jo?
Who?

55. Do you have a little black dress?
Um… No.

Indeed… These are questions your Maximum Leader has never been asked. Most of them at least.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been neglectful of you. He’sbeen thinking of himself and his well being, and not those of you, his loyal readers…

In all honesty, the past few days and last weekend were quite busy. And when they ceased to be busy… Your Maximum Leader found distractions. Well… One distraction actually…

You see… Your Maximum Leader planned on writing lots of good stuff on his blog on Saturday. But instead he bought an X-Box 360. Yup. He did.

He was of two minds about the purchase. On the one hand, it would be fun, fun, fun. On the other hand, they are a terrible distraction and can bring out the worst in small(er) children (and some adults). But he put aside his misgivings and made the purchase. Since then he’s been trying to perfect his slapshot at NHL 2007.

He’ll try and blog more this week…

Carry on.